Monday, October 17, 2005

- my first substantial entry ever -

I'm sooo excited! it's been good news after good news.. and i've only just heard from my (BESTEST :D) friend that she's found an alter ego!!!
note to friend: I hope saying it like this is allowed??? haha... sorry gal..
i'm just SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

-huggiex-muax-more huggiex-

it's so sweet! so charming! haha. and i'm so silly..
who would have ever thought...
nevermind. :D
but that's not gonna come between us anyway.
it's just... i've missed out on so much of your life already!
FOR TWO YEARS!!!
*sobs*
I MISS YOUUU..

you wouldn't believe how lonely i really am. and lost. in my present situation. (and it's got nothing to do with alter egos, mind you)...
it's just.. hard to relate to people as easily as i do with you.
(especially with others of the opposite gender)
despite... haha.. two years in a mixed school...
strange, huh?
and the present company i keep (a particular person) isn't very supportive towards any of my efforts either. to the person it's all about competition. i'm not in any way dead against competition.. but why should friends hold strict, unhealthy competition with one another? especially if one's so very unwilling to compete. But if you're reading this now i really don't mind. after all... friends have few secrets from one another, right?
Then again.. if that were the case.. the number of friends i'd have is one. maybe two (from the other end of the classroom) :) and you're both girlfriends at that.
((eeek. not very used to using that word. yet :O ))

Does that make me sound lacklustre? I guess it would. After all, i've only got ME to blame. and being so very tired isn't exactly helping either... gosh. looks like bad time management's getting in the way of everything. booooooo.

and this entry's not making much sense!!! (peep up at the title!)
funnily, i do feel a lot better now! haha
bestest friend, hope you're reading this!
the person friend, hope you're readng this too!

i'm not even sure if such reflections can work.. or if i'm getting myself into hot soup for writing all this.. (depending on how open-minded you guys really are) :X Speaking of open-mindedness... here's a really silly quote i got from the internet..
if you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
this one was for the cynics.
like the present me.
- but it's got a point.

haha..

i've been wondering for a while now... a question that's so meaningless for some and so heartbreakingly painful for others..
what is friendship?
stupid question, maybe. pointless in discussing?
but not to me.

i've only heard recently from my mum about this friend my uncle used to have.
Used to have, because he's now dead. My uncle, that is.
they used to be best friends.. so close that the friend would come over for holiday stays at my grandad's livestock farm.. probably do everything together..
i don't know many details.. but my uncle died at a tender age- in his twenties, maybe.
and only just before the grave was dug up (because of government orders), i think, did my mum and other uncle find out (from the grave-keeper?) that the friend had been visiting the grave year after year since my uncle's death, always sitting for hours on end and looking very torn-apart. no, he wasn't gay. he'd even do the same in the pouring rain, just to be with my uncle.
my uncle's been dead for around thirty years now, and i've never known anything of that friend either.
but, comparing their friendship and mine.. it seems as if theirs was too good to be true. that, or there's something sorely wrong with today's society (and its peope).
friendships come and go. (yeah it's cliche. but you know what? i don't care.)
what really hurts most is when you put in so much into the friendship and the other party doesn't know, or doesn't care, and stupid things happen just because you're already feeling hurt. and then, something major happens and you don't talk.

oh well. that's just life, is it? fine. so be it. i'll just have to figure out how to find my way around this nonsense.
meanwhile, life goes on. whether i like it or not. so i'll just make the best of what i have, i guess?
after all. that's the very best us mere mortals can manage.
live and let live..?

AAAARGH so full of _____ .

then again. it's still a HAPPY DAY!!!
luv my friends
and hopefully my friends luv me
.. most impt of all..
i'll need to learn to love myself. :)


stomached it at
1:16 AM